This is something not a lot of people know I went through, but I’m ready to talk about it. Just a warning, it might get a little graphic. Okay, I want to start off by saying, I don’t get sad about this anymore, I know that sounds horrible but I’ve processed and dealt with all these feelings already and that’s why I’m ready to write about it. In October of 2015, I had a miscarriage. I got pregnant in September of 2015, If you read my post about my marriage, that date will sound familiar. I was stationed at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, my husband was stationed at Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, he had come to see me for two weeks. During those two weeks, I got pregnant and we found out I was pregnant before he even left, I was super lucky to get a positive on the pregnancy test that early on, it was faint but it was there. I ended up taking a few more and the line was darker on each one. On Monday he took me to the clinic to get a blood test and confirm it. While at the clinic they gave me a strip of paper with a phone number on it and some random numbers, they told in the next few days to call this number and if the random numbers on it were mentioned then I was pregnant. So, that’s what I did. I called, and my numbers weren’t mentioned, I was confused. I took another pregnancy test on the spot and it was positive, I waited until the next day, and called again, still, the same numbers were mentioned but mine wasn’t. I took another pregnancy test. Positive again. I ended up taking a total of 13 pregnancy tests and they were all positive, and I had missed my period. I called every day for 4 days and my number was never mentioned, they started mentioning a new set of number and mine still weren’t there. My husband had already gone back to Hawaii, and this was all happening about 2 weeks later, so I was alone. One day, I was sitting at the table in my barracks room working on a scrapbook from my wedding and I felt something gush out of me, you know how when you get your period and blood comes out and you feel it and immediately know what it is. That’s exactly what I felt and I knew it was blood. I ran to the bathroom and pulled my underwear down and sure enough, there was blood. A lot of it. I sat on the toilet, and I just kind of had a moment where I didn’t move or do anything, I knew what was happening but I didn’t know what to do, it was about 6 or 7 in the evening. After we found out I was pregnant, while my husband was still there with me, we had gone and bought prenatal pills, we looked at baby stuff at the stores, we talked about names, all of it and now it was gone. I texted my friend and asked her to take me to the hospital because I was having cramps, I didn’t tell her I was bleeding and miscarrying because I just needed to keep that to myself for the time being, it was also really late for my husband in Hawaii and I wanted to tell him first but I couldn’t. She took me to the emergency room and dropped me off, I walked in, told the nurse at the front what was happening and she gave me a bracelet with all my information on it. I was 19. I was 19, alone in an emergency room bleeding profusely and having a miscarriage. When they finally called my name, I went back and they drew blood, they gave me a pap smear and did a vaginal ultrasound. The woman doing the ultrasound told me she couldn’t tell me anything, the doctor would review the results and then talk to me, but I knew it wasn’t good, she just didn’t seem like she was seeing anything good on the screen. Even though I was about 100% sure I was miscarrying before they told me anything, for some reason I still had hope it wasn’t a miscarriage, that it was something else, maybe it was something that would mean I would have a rough pregnancy and would need to be closely monitored or be on bed rest the whole nine months. That would’ve been better than a miscarriage. The nurse who was attending me was incredibly sweet, he was understanding, he made conversation. Also, the doctor that was attending me in the emergency room was Dr. House. Yup, Dr. House was his name. Anyway, the nurse eventually told me that I was miscarrying and since I was only about 6 weeks pregnant I could go home and finish miscarrying without any medical intervention. So, I called my friend, she picked me up, dropped me off, and I went inside my room, laid down and finished miscarrying. I bleed for a few days, there was a lot of bright, red blood and chunks of tissue. That whole experience was difficult, I know I cried, but I don’t remember crying. The memories from that time are vague, I’ve tried to not remember it anymore. I once read online that if you asked a woman who once had a miscarriage how old their child would be today, they would tell you without missing a beat, that, however, is not me. I don’t know how old they would’ve been today off the top of my head, I don’t think about if it was a boy or girl, I don’t have those thoughts at all and I don’t think that makes me a bad person. It was tough and I made a lot of bad decisions as a result of that happening to me, but I also think everything happens for a reason. If I hadn’t had a miscarriage, I wouldn’t have Bella. I never planned on having kids close in age and I still don’t so I still would’ve only had one child, and I wouldn’t have Bella. Miscarriages aren’t talked about often but it’s incredibly common, about 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and most of them are before a woman even realizes she’s pregnant and she just thought their period was late. That’s what would’ve happened to me if I hadn’t tested so early. My point with this post is that you may know women who have had a miscarriage and they never told you because it’s taboo but it needs to be talked about, awareness needs to be brought to miscarriages so other women know they’re not alone and that it wasn’t their fault. What I had is officially called a chemical pregnancy and nobody knows why it happens, it just does, and there’s nothing anybody can do to prevent it, but there are things we can do to prevent women from blaming themselves after having a miscarriage.
Thank you for reading.